Position Vacant: Labor Party Strategist

To whom it may concern,

This is what I imagine a political strategist to look like.

I write to apply for the position of Head Strategist for the Australian Labor Party, on the basis that its current occupant is a moron.



He or she seems to believe that the best way for Labor to win an election is to present itself not as the centre-left Labor party of ten, five or even two years ago, but as a kind of Coalition-light alternative. The problem with this strategy is that, in a similar fashion to light cheese, light milk or light lunches, anybody who knows anything about the product is going to see the 'light' version for the shameful, shabby imitation that it is.

The original mining tax was too 'extreme', so you watered it down - but why not just vote for the guy who promises to abolish it? The original emissions trading scheme was too controversial, so you promised not to tax carbon, then changed your mind - but why not just vote for the guy who believes in climate change about as much as he believes in a "kinder, gentler polity" (remember that one?); that is, exactly as far as it suits his interests to do so and no further?

The point is that drifting half-heartedly to the right is a crap strategy because you are haemorrhaging left-leaning voters to the Greens, while the right-leaning voters whom you want to attract vote, quite sensibly, for the people who are actually conservatives, not just pretending to be. This fact is perfectly obvious to me, a hack university student, so I am unsure why you are paying someone hundreds of thousands of dollars to be dumb enough to miss it and consistently make the wrong calls as a result.

Your current strategist's crowning glory came today, when the government defaulted back to onshore processing of refugees. Onshore processing is a policy that a majority of Australians want, but far from taking credit, somehow, bewilderingly, you chose to portray it as something you'd been forced into, and would promptly abandon if it weren't for that pesky High Court and uncooperative hung parliament. How anybody thought this angle was a good idea is completely beyond me.

In conclusion, a trained (or indeed untrained) monkey could do a better job than whoever is currently in charge of your political strategy. If you chose to replace him or her with me, a trained university student, or indeed anybody with half a brain, your political fortunes may improve.

Yours sincerely,
Andrew.

P.S: I'm not angry, not really. Just disappointed.

P.P.S: More Too-Late Posts coming up!